Today at lunch, I had an experience that took me back to high school days. Now, I'm 32, so before anyone gets snarky, high school wasn't THAT long ago...But, it let me know that sadly, when it comes to my fellow blind people, things really haven't changed. As a warning, this post will probably anger a few people, but remember...My blog, my opinions. You don't like them? Leave a comment, start your own blog, or try to convince me I'm wrong.
Where I work, we get students from an independent living-type program every summer. Having gone through one of these programs, here's the drill for sighted readers, and other blind readers who maybe didn't have such a program. Basically, they take you and have you live away from home. Where I grew up, it was a month, but you went home on weekends. They try to teach you some basic living skills...Doing your own laundry, making meals, washing dishes, in some cases some personal grooming, and things like this. Also, as part of this program, they get you a job for the month, usually minimum wage, and usually the first work experience most of us get. For me, thanks to great parents, I knew most of the basic life skills they showed us, but went for the interaction and for the job as when I was growing up, it was still difficult for a blind student to get an after-school job. In the programs in which I participated, I made some good friends...But we also had some students that made us all cringe. You know the type; someone who brings to mind every stereotype about the blind, and then a few that, sadly, I think we're the only ones who really notice...And the sighted world either doesn't see these, or they stupidly ignore them, thinking "He's got a disability...he probably doesn't know any better". And here's where we pick up today's story.
I was having lunch, and happened to sit with this year's crop of kids. Of the four, I'll say right now that I have great hope for two of them...The other two...No comment. and for the record, I'm not saying where I work, though those who know me know what I do for a living. Also, for the record, this is being written in my personal time, in my own blog, and is in no way connected to my employer. I don't know what their opinion of this post would be, but this is not associated/affiliated with them in the least.
During the course of lunch, I conversed with the students, made small talk, and we generally had a good time. To set the scene, it was me and three of the students; two males, and one female. During the course of the conversation, one of the males, who, unfortunately, is the typical sheltered blind kid in many ways, blurts out to the female "You're hot...I mean, REALLY hot". She tells him to knock it off, and expresses the fact that she's uncomfortable with it. He then turns to me and says "Man, she won't go out with me. Why not? What's wrong with me?" I explain that it's really not tactful to talk to a woman that way in the work place, and really inappropriate to ask a colleague, in this case me, why she won't go out with him right in front of her. So instead of realizing he should change his track, he says "I used to have a girlfriend. She was dumb, but hot...And she had the biggest boobs in the world."
For the readers who are employed, you know that if you or I said that, we'd be looking at a sexual harassment complaint, a write-up, and possibly a loss of job. I explained this to this young man. Luckily, he seemed to kind of understand that he was wrong, but then went on to ask really personal questions about something that happened to this young lady's family. I admit I intervened and asked her if she was okay. She said she was, but she, along with me, explained to this kid that the question was REALLY inappropriate and, in her words, "could get your ass beat" if you asked the wrong person that question.
In the end, I let our director know, and she in turn intends to let his supervisor know what's happened.
My issues with this incident are many.
- First off, I realize these people are young. Usually between 16 and 19 or so. But shouldn't parents, teachers, somebody be tteaching them that certain things are simply inappropriate, especially in a work or other public setting? This kid swore he had no clue he was doing anything wrong.
- Next, I saw this in the independent living programs I participated in as a youth. It was usually either the kid who was blind with other disabilities, or simply blind, but had sheltering, and in many cases, overbaring, parents...Unfortunately, usually sons, with mothers who were a bit too over-protective while also being equally demanding and pushy. I did not, however, see this behavior from sighted, non-disabled peers. So it makes me wonder, are we as a society teaching ourselves and our children that it's okay for the disabled to be inappropriate as human beings? And if that's the case, isn't that doing them a disservice? The real world isn't going to, and shouldn't, except this behavior.
- Finally, doesn't human nature sort of kick in at some point and tell you "Whoa! What I'm saying is way out of line and wrong."? Don't get me wrong; I had great parents who showed me how to act as a person, as a man, and as a functioning member of society. However, I don't remember mom and dad having to tell me "Now, sexually harassing a person is wrong...And we don't talk about boob sizes in the lunchroom at work." I just sort of always figured that was a conversation, if it happens at all, best saved for the local bar with your buddies, at home, or something of that nature.
I don't know...Maybe I'm making too much of this, or maybe I'm expecting too much from the parents of blind and disabled kids. All I know is I had great parents...and still do, for that matter...who would've NEVER let me get away with something like that. yet, as I said, I see it all the time in the blind and disabled community, especially among my fellow males...many of them seem to never be tought right from wrong when it comes to social situations. Why is this?
At the same time, it's not just the parents who are at fault. Sadly, I notice it's also rampant with the kids who've gone to "specialized" schools all their lives. Those of us who went to a public school as opposed to a school for the blind generally seem to be a bit better adjusted to the world. I know there are many benefits to a school for the blind for some, but it definitely makes me question how much good they're doing...Or, maybe they just need to spend a bit more time on social skills for acting like a human being instead of an animal or an infant. And for the record, though I didn't attend school there, the state in which I currently reside is fortunate to have the best school for the blind in the country. They tend to do a great job.
Again, these are just my opinions. If you have a different opinion, I welcome your comments.
10 comments:
I agree with you, Wes. I understand that people with disabilities of any sort may have special needs, but I agree that they are not animals or infants, and still need to participate in society in a manner that is consistent with the norm.
On another note, I think this was very well-written. ;)
Thanks...I appreciate the comments and the compliment. Hoping to get back to blogging more as issues arise. Life's been crazy lately, so haven't been spewing forth as I normally would. :-)
Yes, a well-written post indeed. But, honestly, I believe it's both the parents and society in general. From what i've seen, blind people learn vicariously or through example. I've seen a ton, and have broken a ton, of social rules myself. Most things involving social situations aren't "taught" to a child/teen, but are hopefully learned by the teen through observation. Learning through observation can go both ways. It's almost like, "hey, here's an instruction book on how to be social! and there's like 1 or 2 pages, with the other 302 left blank." Most rules are unspoken. Plus, ther's the whole general point that teenagers are thick-headed and have a lot of maturing to do. I can see a sighted person saying something like that, just because he's not thinking before speaking. I am not defending this particular kid, but I do believe both parents and teachers need to teach more on social behavior.
I went to one of these centers and currently live very close to it, so as a result I've seen a rather large cross-section of, at least, the blind 19-21-year-old my-section-of-the-country population. Honestly, you get all kinds. Like in any pier group, blind or sighted, you'll get some outgoing people, some shy people, and some disturbing people. We have several here who don't seem to exist outside of a haze of pot smoke, some who seem to think "bitch" is synonymous with "girl," one man famously asked the middle of a social outing at what age a certain girl was molested (not asking if, you understand; when). A guy feels up women he barely knows, some asian kid tries to act like a gangsta, one guy's been shot in the head by real gangstas, twice, and is still a giant moron. (in fairness, shots to the head do tend to do that) Trying to explain, to any of these people, that their behavior is unacceptable meets you with the same blank "Huh? What'd I do wrong?" indifference. At the same time there's just as many people who, when confronted with any of the above crowd, simply don't know enough to realize that it's not a situation they have any reason to go along with, so they just do. Or people who take the notion of personal space and what happens when it is violated a bit far. Everyone is resistant to change. Thing is, I don't see how this kind of behavior is limited to just the blind, or how it's related to blindness as an affliction. A parent who's going to fail at teaching their kid how to be socially acceptable was gonna do that whether the kid was blind or not, and don't tell me we don't all know sighted people who act pretty much exactly this way. Hell, my stepdad was probably all of these people when he was growing up. And I turned out fine! Er, not exactly, I am one of the people I referred to, above, so clearly I have some work that needs to be done. Point is. People learn pretty quickly what's socially acceptible and what isn't; either they're told and listen, or they don't, and are fired/beaten up/maced/etc for it. Either way. And I mean, anyone who gets through life thinking it's okay to talk about "boobs" at the employee lunch table is just not paying attention. Doesn't have anything to do with not being able to see the boobs, it's paying attention to the world around you. Conversations are verbal. I don't see where the link is at all.
Drew
Drew and Jordan. You both make valid points. Unfortunately, in my personal experience, though the majority of my circle is sighted, I've seen this behavior stick out more in the blind and otherwise disabled community than it does in the sighted community...At least, when I was growing up, it certainly did. Nowadays, yes, teenagers in general do seem a lot less intelligent and a lot more irksome...Though, I'm sure my parents' generation thought the same thing about us vs. them. We also have sighted/fully functioning students who work with us through another program...And while I notice obnoxious behaviors from them, they're not quite to the same extent, at least not in the workplace. Outside of work, I have no idea what they're like...and, I hate to say it, I'm not sure I want to know in some cases.
Again, this post was written in general, from my own observations and experiences. Not saying I'm right or I'm wrong; simply stating my opinions and what I've seen.
Besides, anyone can write a post lashing out at teenage culture in general. This was a bit more targeted.
As a follow-up to my previous post, I believe in the blind community the pound of cure is more widely used than the good old ounce of prevention. I'll give you a personal story of my own. To put it simply, I wasn't paying too darn much attention at this 8-year-olds birthday party which was winding down, and i mistakenly violated an adult woman's personal space. She did or said absolutely nothing. Of course, if she had even done something nonverbal, or if I would've noticed, then I would've moved away, Etc. But sadly, this was not the case. I heard about it an entire week later from my step-moms parents. They made a complete seen of the whole thing in front of my step-mom, basicly made an example of me when it wasn't necessary, and had me feeling completely humiliated! This happened when i was 16, and still to this day, i am guarded around them. I've encountered many many sighted people without a single bone of assertiveness in their bodies. Although I believe someone should be drilled into if a major social mistake is made, proper judgement should be used, and the punishment should fit the crime.
As a fellow teen who continues to remain sheltered, I'll add my thoughts, which are pretty much in line with everyone else here.
To be completely honest, I think it's the parents as a whole. Even my mom admits it now, although she realized what the hell she was doing way, way too late IMO. I'm just glad I didn't go to a blind school. My mom says that she thinks that was one of the many mistakes she made. She thinks I would've been more independent. Hell if I know. Although I kinda highly doubt it.
So it turns out I'm going to this independent living center in September, for four months. It'll be more or less a relief to go there just to get away from my parents, if not to learn important skills.
What I find disturbing is that my mom tells people who she apparently can trust about her feelings about me, and I was pretty damn pissed when I overheard one of them. She says I can't manage my finances. Perhaps if she gave me the details for my bank like my account name/number and password so I can log into the site and check my account balance, etc, maybe I could. She says I'm not an independent kid. Hmm. I wonder who was responsible in making that happen, so to speak?
Can't forget the media as well; when I see a blind person on the news, rarely is it someone "just" blind. It's someone blind with other disabilities so the media can say something like, "Look, he can do this but has difficulties with going to the bathroom."
Guess it's the parents who ultimately define us though, and for most sighted parents of blind children it's not good, IMO. I can see why the sighted think of us the way they do. The way the media thinks of us as idiots, parents, especially mothers who, based on my experiences, don't give a damn about the child's skills until they're in their teens and and they go, "I was wrong." Well shit, you should've figured that out years ago by now?
Eventually for the parents it becomes control on a massive level. My mom is starting to be okay, although my grandmother, well. she's another story entirely, being a home-health aid, at least she was, and also just not knowing how we function, she always wants to do every freakin' thing for me all the time, so as I said, getting away from them in september gives me great pleasure. I hope I can get to see interesting people there, not people described above. They lower our rep in the blind community. Of the least, I wouldn't publically annoy someone, not to mention the fact that he probably didn't even know what "Hot" was. I have another blind friend who does kinda the same thing, it's just different.
More on this in a bit, maybe I'l blog my thoughts on this in a bit. But for now.
Later.
I think the problem is the result of both parents and society. Unfortunately, I've seen what you've described both in and outside the blind community. The only real difference is, if a sighted person acts out of line; people aren't going to think twice about putting him in his place. If a blind person acts that same way, people usually tend to think 'Oh he just doesn't know any better.'
I think parents and teachers should be encouraged to treat blind children the same way they would a sighted child. Children learn by example, and blind children are no different.
This is an important issue! I was mainstream schooled most of my life and only went to The RFVIB which is now closed only when they were offering summer programs during school holidays. I know when to be discrete but sometimes i need that little bit of a nudge the main problem is that if i say something like "oh that girl looks cute" or "oh that man or that lady can't speak properly they must've either had a stroke or they're old" i know now that i save those comments for either in the car or when i get home from wherever i was at the time. If blind children need some social education to a point parents and teachers can only do so much but do they need somebody who specilizes in vision impairment because some councilors don't know anything about vision impairment unless the person in question has known them for a certain period of time and ultimately, it is the parents and the child or adult themselves who know these things. I actually take it for granted that kids and young addelescents go out and enjoy themselves and do things normally. I often have to sit at home because some people have cars and they go out with friends and do things like going to the pictures etc Some parents really wrap their kids in too much cotton wool and kids need that experience whether blind or sighted. The topic of breast doesn't even enter my mind but sometimes i wish i could find out what they were like but this is in private and the thoughts are my thoughts alone because i don't say it out loud i just say them under my breath. How many blind people talk to themselves in public again that is another social issue that is going to make a blind person stand out in a public place This may be off the topic that you posted Wes but it is certainly an important topic following from yours. This issue now extends to feeling people's faces is that what blind kids do or do some adults do it as well? Kyle Cogan
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